love. [15 Jan 2007|05:55pm] john is a fucking gayass pansy loser i'm just using him and fucking up his mind hahahahahahaa snicker 7 comments|post comment

[08 Jan 2007|11:39pm] Melissa at 15 - This is an excerpt from my old blurty, back when i went to high school in Connecticut: "I feel sad and mad. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's vacation and now that i don't have to think about school i'm starting to think about my life. I just want to know what could make me happy. I'm such a whiner. Well, i don't really whine out loud but i whine in my head. I wanted to get out of this town. I want to live in the city. I want new friends. I want a boyfriend. But then I think, will these things really make me happy? Or will they be illusions of happiness?" Melissa at 19, almost 20 - This is what I said to my college counselor, here in Brooklyn: "I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. My life has always been a one-way track, I let others make decisions for me. either that or I just avoid all these decisions until I'm left with no other choice. Now that i'm taking a semester off, it's like i've reached the end of the tracks. Okay, now I don't have to think about school right now. But instead what to do with the rest of my life. And I don't know. I can't think of anything at the moment that would really make me happy." If this was like some Borges story where I could talk to my past self... I'd tell her that she made new friends, but still no boyfriend. I'd tell her that she did leave town and live in the city. Then I'd tell her no. I'd tell her that her lack of a boyfriend, her old friends, and Connecticut did not make her sad. And that the city and her new friends did not make her happier. It's sad. She was a self-indulgent, pessimistic, self-defeating girl. And still is. Maybe always will be. It's like deja-vu. It's like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I forgot who I was in the past...and then I find a relic that had not disappeared, had not become some 401 error page on the internet. And it's like wow, this makes me so mad. But still...i just have to relive the same thoughts,, experiences, emotions...again and again and again. Why am I so resistant to change myself? Because I can't heed good advice? My selfish pride or my foolish ignorance? Or maybe it's never allowing myself to change things because i hate myself that much. Or do I love myself too much to never allow myself to surrender to the world because I hate it? Why am I so fucking stupid...it's like the answer is right in front of my face but I'm blind to it. I've gotten by for 19 years this way. But this time I can't be like this anymore. I can't keep crying for help and attention and then ignore it when i recieve it. I can't keep avoiding the responsibility to do. to live. I can't keep hiding from the embarassment of who I am. I can't keep running away from fear and risk and the future and happiness and hate and love. I have to grow up... But i'm still 15. It's been almost 5 years and I've been still avoiding that same question. And of course, I still go blank. 1 comment|post comment

holy crap [24 Mar 2006|05:35pm] [ mood | impressed ] www.thaneeya.com http://www.thaneeya.com/01mcvl.jpg http://www.thaneeya.com/062004vl.jpg http://www.thaneeya.com/01boy.jpg There's a really really special quality to this painting, it's beautiful. and she did it when she was 17 -kills self- http://www.thaneeya.com/02davidvl.jpg ...etc, etc... too many awesome pieces to chose from... oh, and my favorite: http://www.thaneeya.com/distant1.jpg 4 comments|post comment

[13 Mar 2006|09:14pm] Please let me know if you added me or I wont notice. 5 comments|post comment

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